The first step

It's so hard for me to open up and put myself out there like this. I have spent a few days thinking about what the best way to document my journey would be. Would it be best to just have a personal diary? Should I simply continue with my spreadsheet where I keep track of things intermittently? Well, here I am. I have a hard time sticking to my own plans. I get super excited at first when I come up with them and then it fades into nothingness after a while. I am pretty sure no one will ever read this, but it's a way to try to be accountable for my plans.

I was never skinny. I've always liked eating more than I should and food has also been an escape when dealing with anxiety. Things spiraled out of control when my father passed away almost 13 years ago. I gained 30 kilos in about 6 months and from then on it's been a constant battle to shed those extra kilos and control all the health issues that became prominent with that.

I have PCOS and metabolic syndrome. I was diagnosed with the latter six years ago. I can still remember the doctor saying that if I didn't want to have a heart attack before the age of 35, I had to lose weight so that all my blood test levels could be normal again. I reached my goal for a period of time. My levels were back to normal and I was healthy. Of course, I didn't follow through with things and I fell off the bandwagon and gained all I had lost.

I went for a blood test last Friday. I am unhealthy again. My pancreas doesn't work properly, which affects my liver and that doesn't work properly either. Cholesterol is off the charts and my thyroid hormone is up as well. I found out that whenever my insulin levels are up, my thyroid hormone follows suit. The only way I can get these to go down is controlling what I eat and exercising.

My pancreas doesn't deal well with carbs. I'm insulin resistant. Has to be a low carb diet. You'd think that would be simple enough, just do a high protein diet and things should be settled... Well no. Protein is metabolized in the liver. My liver is already overloaded at the moment (no drinking either!)... so as a first step that is not an option. I had my gallbladder removed a couple of years ago, hence a fatty diet not being an option either (and of course the cholesterol levels are off the chart). FIBER! I can eat fiber! What nutritional value is there in fiber tho? On Friday I freaked out. I pretty much cried all night asking questions such as: why me? why is life so unfair? Do I have to start doing photosynthesis?

Well, after talking it out with a good friend, I calmed down and came up with a plan, which brings us to this. My main goal is to lose weight. By losing weight my levels will go back to normal. How to go about that tho?

Exercise and diet. That's the only way. It has to be for life, so that means we are talking about habit change, not something that I can do for a few months and then stop. I've been going to the gym... Been paying for it for over a year, but started going in two weeks ago. I hate going to the gym, it really is a struggle for me to get up and go there...I have panic attacks before going, to the point of tears, but must be done... like brushing your teeth. As for a diet, yesterday I went to the farmer's market and got me some fresh veggies and fruits. I can at least eat healthier, non processed foods. That should help.

How to keep track of all that? As I mentioned before I have a spreadsheet where I can log my weight, measurements, food and if I have been to the gym or not. It also allows me to keep track of my menstrual cycle (I have a myoma that is being treated with hormones at this point -- still needs fine-tuning, I've been bleeding for 25 days!!!) and builds somewhat of a timeline for the weight loss goal. Counting calories leads to anxiety attacks for me so I simply log the quality of the food. I also decided to start this blog so that it isn't only about plugging date that no one will ever see into a spreadsheet.

With this blog I can write about the daily struggles, the small milestones, the setbacks and can be somewhat accountable for this battle. I highly doubt anyone will ever read this blog, but it is out there and that should be enough to make me accountable. I love life. It isn't always easy, but it is a nice life. I just need to get healthy so I can live it to the fullest.

You'd think that loving life as much as I do I would not fall off the bandwagon so often, I would not allow my plans to fade into inexistence...At times, I do ask myself what is wrong with me. I know what must be done, I have the power to do it and still, I don't. I have panic attacks about exercising, which leads me to binge eating comfort food (comfort food is never healthy food) which leads me to being unhealthy... I am hoping that being accountable for it I can break this vicious cycle.

As of today:
Weight: 91.3Kg
IBM: 33.81
Waist: 95cm
Hips: 117cm
Abdomen: 97cm

If you happened to stumble across this, thanks for reading!